No Matter What

The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.

Day after day they pour forth speech...

Psalm 19:1

I received a compliment from my kid about a month ago. It's one I'll hang on to for as long as my mind is in working order.

He told me,

Mom, there's one thing I can say about you. Your love has always been consistent.

I gave a satisfied smile and hugged that guy. I was bursting with maternal pride on the inside but tried to appear calm, and steady like an oak.

I'm not really that way. I can be apathetic. Mostly I'm ridiculously reactive. I'm thinking of times they've gotten smart mouthy or shared ridiculous ideas. Times come to mind when they tell me about something they did several years ago that could have got them killed! My insides twist.

I've learned through the years how to put on my calm face when what I really want to do is look at them like they've lost their mind /instantly correct them/ lose my stuff. My record for not freaking out is improving. They still tell me at least some stuff, anyway, so I think I'm getting better.

I've learned to appear to care about that YouTube video they're showing me when my mind is really focused on what I'm going to fix for dinner.

Since I received the consistent love comment, I've felt a little unworthy. I know my crazy. I'm familiar with my instability.

My love, in its depth, is steady. There's nothing that would ever change my love for them. My attentiveness is sketchy. My opinions are a little abrasive and my reactions are a little tumultuous, especially those inner impulses that beat at my chest to get out. When I don't get the achings of my heart out, a souring or a fear sets in.

I've got a lot of work to do; not only as a parent, but as a child of God.

How am I responding to my daughter who is occasionally determined to think irrationally? How am I reacting to that guy who won't go at the green light? How am I responding to news that something went nowhere near the way I thought it should, and in turn it hurt my husband, or my kid?

How is my heart when nothing seems to go right...or those moments where everything is going right...Am I giving credit where credit is due? How about mundane days? Am I just going through the motions, or am I recognizing on ordinary days too that God is the one who keeps the planets spinning on their course?

I'm so thankful to be warmed by the sun's bright rays. I'm so glad when I feel it's presence arching over me in rhythmic fashion, from horizon to horizon. The sun is consistent. Truly consistent. Even undercover, when clouds disallow us full access. It gives light as we need it. The sun gives direction. We have our bearings in accordance to it. It testifies to the greatness and trustworthiness of God on high.

I'm not so consistent, but becoming more so is a worthy goal. Like the sun may my reactions pour forth speech, declaring the glory of God. Day after day may my heart's meditation beat in steady rhythm...No matter what...God is good. God is good. God is good.

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