Tag Archives: listening

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She knows when he’s coming. Her bare feet scamper across the floor and into the front closet; the place where our mails spills in.  She’s been waiting.  Not for the mail, but for the mailman.  From inside the closet Rylie pushes up the creaky cover to the mail slot and shouts a greeting.  Sometimes she says “Hello Mr. Mailman”.  Other times she says, “Thanks for the mail”.

At first I tried to stop her.

I had noticed that he didn’t respond and I didn’t want to annoy the man.  I know that he moves quickly in order to empty the stacked crates full of important envelopes and bulky advertisements.

And frankly, I worried that he might find it strange to be greeted by a faceless someone. But I knew it was harmless and that it brought her joy so I let her continue.

One day this week Hayden witnessed her routine. Knowing Rylie must be wondering why he didn’t answer, Hayden suggested that maybe he couldn’t hear her.  He said that he had seen him wearing earphones before. …Quite possibly so.

We may never know why he doesn’t respond.  Maybe someday he will.  School days will be here soon and there will no longer be the voice speaking love from the mail slot.

I’ve wondered why he doesn’t respond.  Surely he can hear her.  Is he too busy? Does he not respond to her because he thinks it’s strange?

And then I wondered some more....

 

Is there somebody who calls out to me day after day?

Sure, some days I listen.  But then there are other times....

I’m so busy.

I’m distracted.

There are other voices in my head.

Sometimes I hear him, but I choose not to respond.

Don’t I know he’s waiting?  Don’t I know that he really wants to hear from me?

My sheep hear My voice, and I know them and they follow.  John 10:27

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"When did you tell me that?  I didn't hear you say that."

"I told you three times the other night."

"Well, I didn't think you were serious."

"So you did hear me."

"I might remember something about it, but I'm remembering it differently than you do."

What an awkward conversation.

Conversations similar to this have repeated themselves across our 17 years together. I never set out to ignore or to contradict or to undermine, but it sure has come across that way at times.

It's a terrible feeling when we have hurt the one who is closest to our heart.

Yes. This is how a conversation went after Rylie's graduation that Jason and I attended with one car.

Jason: I'm going to go ahead and take the two big kids.

Me: Ok. The car is parked on the street by the two-story house on the corner.

Jason: Ok.

Me: (Looking for the keys-He waits for me to find them then starts walking

without the keys) Where are you going?

Jason: Home.

Me :But I have the keys.

Jason: Ok.

Me: How are you going in the car without the keys?

Jason: I'm not.

Me: Then what are you doing?

Jason: We're walking.

Me:Why didn't you just tell me that when I was telling you where the car was parked and while I was looking for the keys?........

Our conversations, or lack thereof, can be frustrating and disconnecting. We sometimes remind me of oil and vinegar; a vinaigrette.  I love a good vinaigrette on my salad.  I occasionally make it at home for our salad. Though oil and vinegar go wonderfully together, the two ingredients have to be briskly whisked by a strong hand. And to keep the vinaigrette from tasting too tart, you have to keep whisking.

Communication can be a big source of frustrations in a marriage.  There are times that we are just not on the same page. It doesn't happen often, but it happens often enough to make me want to try to avoid it in the future.

One problem lies in the fact that men and women think differently.  We approach our world from different perspectives.  It is difficult to put yourself in the place of another.  You cannot listen well without trying to understand the other person from their vantage point.

Sometimes the frustration is compounded by assumptions we make.  In the conversation above I was assuming Kristi knew certain things, Kristi assumed I was going to do certain things, and you can assume that we broke from that conversation thinking the other was goofy.

We heard one another's words, but we were not listening from the perspective of the other.  I think putting yourself in the place of the other is the key to great communication.  If we are going to have great communication we need to be mindful to share more with each other than just the facts.  When we communicate feelings and ambitions and goals we are giving our partner a better foundation to be able to listen to us from.

Assumptions are easily and often wrongfully made when we we're not deeply invested in the conversation.  At Rylie's graduation, we were busy.  Many times I'm rattling off, telling Jason things he could care less about.  I approach him some times when he is exhausted. There are probably days he is wary to approach me at all. As different as we are, God is helping us gain a knowledge of what it means to listen and respect one another. Now if we could just be faithful in exercising that knowledge. Oil and vinegar. Thankful for a mighty hand that binds two hearts together that otherwise would have less savor on their own.

Do you have similar stories of miscommunication/ or lack of communication?

Our conversation was compared to oil and vinegar.  What would you compare

your conversations to?

Follow Jason at www.pastorburden.com

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